I know what you’re thinking another blog about the wonders of the brain and the images we form when unconscious.. but to be honest my article is going to be more about the conscious. Namely, dreaming during the day. About Places.
When I was younger I moved around a lot. Going to new schools, moving to different states or eventually moving to different countries. At the end of the day I always managed to adapt to the new “environment” but I always took a piece of the old place with me… and having said that, I also left a part of me back there too. The strange thing is that now that i’m older (yes a cliche sentence is coming up) I notice that i’m questioning who I am and what I am. Was it all an act or show or am I really the spontaneous little girl that I so badly tried to be, just to fit in. Now my life is at a turning point and I’ve become over analyzed. It’s like each aspect of then is given new meaning and to be specific a more deeper meaning.
Never have I stood still at the events that took place when I was younger. I always kept everything to myself and secret, no one will understand my situation anyways. But now i’m so much more critical. I’m not keeping up appearances anymore which makes me confront some ugly dark truths about the past and the crooked household that actually was given to that little girl with her spontaneous mask. Questions play a key role in my life, everything becomes one big question. Why me? Was it supposed to happen to me? Why can’t it be normal? Will I ever be happy with myself? Will i have peace with what happened? Can I find balance in love, joy, work and family? But the big question still remains: Who am I?
On the metro, in the tram, on the scooter, cleaning the dishes, walking on the street, listening to a conversation. These are just moments in which the past comes up to haunt me. The thing about it is that it’s mainly places. Only places. And I’m alone. No people around me, just me and my old house or old school or old shopping mall or street or golf club or park or hangout. The details and happenings that took place there are very detailed and I can see each leaf glitter with light in this strange dream form. I completely zoom out. But What it means.. i have no idea. But I have to admit strolling down memory lane sometimes gives me chills but can also comfort me and make me warm with my memory of for instance my old home in Albuquerque. Feels like coming home when actually I’m in a jammed up damping metro in rainy Amsterdam. An in-between of two places, standing in both with one leg but never entirely with my whole body. Diaspora in all manners.
Image 1: Selterman, Dylan. Wake up! Dreams and Relationships. 03-07-2013. 17-04-2014. <http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2013/7/3/wake-up-dreams-and-relationships-part-1-of-2.html>.
Image 2: Landphair, Ted. Sunset Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Taos New Mexico. 10-1-2011. 17-04-2014. <http://blogs.voanews.com/tedlandphairsamerica/2011/01/10/the-funky-fifty/>.